The Invitation Of A Frayed Edge (Saying Goodbye To The Rules)

I’m tired of playing by the rules.

I’m not talking about the UNO rules. I would never question such authority. And, I fully embrace the rules of the road, implemented and (for the most part) agreed upon by society so we can get from here to there without peril.

No, I’m talking about the other rules. Body rules. Food rules. Parenting rules. These rules that just don’t seem like they are out to guide and protect.

Let me give you some examples:

• A healthy meal has a lean protein and a non-starchy vegetable.

• Lazy parents go through McDonalds.

• Moms shouldn’t lose their sh*t in public. Or in private.

• If I’m not following a diet, I’ve given up on myself.

• In order for a workout to “count” it must be punishing.

Sadly, these old rules are so well written and strongly believed that they re-write themselves with each generation.

They sound like The Truth.  

They’re sneaky and take on various shapes and sizes. Who wrote these rules?

These rules are written by a few, but dispersed by so many: family, friends, community members, teachers, influencers and more. Despite my best efforts, I’m even recognizing their influence over my own daughter.

These rules wrap around us like a tight binding. In an effort to cover our worst parts, unintentionally sheathing our very best.

For me, these rules are woven into the fabric of my being. I can’t tell where the rules begin and I end. It wasn’t my hand that made this weaving. It wasn’t one hand, but many. No permission was asked for or given. And the working of the loom never rests or has an end.

I want to find a place where these rules don’t exist. I want to do the work so these rules can’t touch me, my daughter, or anyone (her, him, or them).

So, how do we erase and re-write the rules? My hand is cramping at the thought.

Maybe it’s not a re-writing, but a piling up of the rules and then the lighting of a match to form a bonfire that might light the way to a totally new place. But, where can the rules NOT be found?

I have a hunch this place of “no-rules” starts with a subtly frayed edge. That little, loose thread that catches my eye and causes distraction - usually a thought “Hmmm something isn’t quite right.”.

At first, I want to do something about that out-of-place string. I might snip it off, tuck it in, or ignore it (list here: all the terrible coping mechanisms I’ve tried in the past). But like every good problem, it reappears.

What would it be like to pull at a loose thread on this tightly woven work? To let it unravel to the very end? To the knot that anchors it all?

I think that’s where I find the “no rules” place.

My true self.

Am I brave enough (or desperate enough) to destroy the tapestry I thought was “me”? Do I have what it takes to weave something new?

Over the past five years, I have taken to pulling on the loose threads. And guess what? The unraveling that took major bravery up front, now mostly just feels like unzipping those skinny jeans at the end of the day. Or, undoing your bra before bed (or at 5pm, no judgement).

Necessary.

Freeing.

Me, unraveling from the rules looks like:

• Listening to my hunger cues and honoring my needs.

• Walking and biking with my children, hiking with my spouse or my friends, stretching on my bedroom floor, and dancing in the kitchen.

• Keeping my cool when my kids are being kids by saying a major prayer, lowering my standards, and hiring a sitter (or turning on Netflix).

• Choosing a cup of tea Instead of pouring that first, second, third, or fourth glass of wine at night.

I’m sleeping better, worrying less, and staying in the present moment more. I live from a place of abundance instead of shame and lacking.

I don’t do it perfectly every day, but doing it perfectly every day isn’t a rule I abide by anymore.

All those rules and the effects they have on us. Does this sound like you?  Do you feel like you are in a place where you simply are not satisfied with being only partly satisfied with your life?  Chances are you are working so hard to follow the rules, that only every once in a while do you sense, see, or touch an “unraveling.” If your thread of distraction might lead to food or body image, I say, let’s together, inch by inch, unravel and expose the lies that hide behind some of the rules we have been taught.

Message me. I’m happy to hold space for some good and holy unraveling and be a witness to the essential re-weaving. I’m ready to hold one hand as you reach the other to tug on that frayed strand.