Just Point Me In The Right Direction
How do we drop an unhelpful habit or change course in our lives in a way that is sustainable and impactful?
That is the million dollar question. And, I have a hunch that it all begins and ends with a VALUES.
Does that sound boring? Well, I’m going to help you fall in love with values, because they are a soft place to land and a strong arm on which to lean.
Often, we can confuse values with goals. But they couldn’t be more different. Goals have a black and white quality to them. Either you achieve them or you don’t. Goals are like destinations on a map. Either you reach that destination or you don’t.
What happens when we can’t or don’t achieve our goals? What happens when we realize the destination is unreachable because of immovable roadblocks and barriers? We find ourselves in that pesky (and kind of scary) wilderness place.
No! Ugh, the wilderness gets us every time.
Let me help you find the clarity and hope within that failed goal. If goals are destinations on a map, values are the compass headings guiding your actions. Values are aspects of life that are important to you. There’s no black and white with values, only the perfect shade of your favorite color (you get to pick the color just like you get to pick your values). You never “reach” your values, you just get to live into them and move towards them.
I’ll share a story to illustrate: Last summer, my family was invited to a pool party with a couple of friends but mostly strangers. When I received the invitation several weeks ahead of the event date, a voice popped up in my head, “are you bathing-suit ready?” Despite all of my hard work to untangle from diet culture, that programming was still (and IS still) deeply ingrained in my consciousness.
The Liz of 2013 would’ve stood to attention at the sound of that voice, the ever obedient soldier. She would have fallen in line and suffered through the deprivation and punishing workouts. Nothing much would have changed about her body, but she would have felt worthy to join the party because she’d done her due diligence.
But, listen, 2013 had come and gone. I was tired of the song and dance routine choreographed by diet culture. Plus, I was also just seriously straight up tired from chronic sleep deprivation that comes with parenting children who are terrible at sleeping. And, I love swimming - every single thing about it - the floating, the splashing, the singing of songs underwater with your kids and dying laughing because everything sounds like Jingle Bells (try that, it’s way more fun than diving for rings). Also, swimming makes everyone good and tired. Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention a very important, central character in this story and her name is The Arizona Heat. She’s bossy and unrelenting. Watch out, she will burn you. Don’t ever turn your back on her.
On the day of the party, I made a decision. I was going to rock my new bathing suit (a modest boy-short/sleeveless rash guard combo, very tasteful) and join in on the fun. I ushered my kids out to the car, and my just-turned-13 year old daughter (read: “everyone is looking at me all the time. Stop being annoying with your breathing, mom) asked: “Are you swimming?” And I said, “Yeah. And I want you to pay attention to how many women are going to be around the edge of the pool, fighting for the tiny bits of shade because they believe that nasty voice in their head that says they aren’t worthy of pleasure and comfort.” I interpreted her eye roll as an unspoken blessing for my choice.
In the end, I ignored that voice in my head that said I needed to shrink my body before being worthy of participating in a party. I decided to let go of the unachievable goal of having a “bathing-suit-ready” body that met the “thin-ideal” standards of our culture. I chose to wholeheartedly live into my values of being silly and having fun with my kids, connecting authentically with other adults, and pursuing pleasure and comfort in the cool pool in 110℉+ degree heat.
You might be in a cloud of confusion right now. Perhaps, you are feeling that you want something to change but you can’t quite put your finger on what that thing is. If that’s you, ask yourself: Deep in my heart, what do I want my life to be about? What do I want to stand for? What truly matters to me in the big picture?
What are your hopes and dreams? Can you do a little investigation to determine what values underlie your dreams? If you could wave a magic wand and get rid of that thing that is holding you back from your dreams what would you be doing right now?
The value/goal portion of this post was inspired by the writings of Margit I Berman in her work “The Workbook on Acceptance-Based Approaches for Weight Concerns.” If you are a person who is ready to try a different approach to finding freedom and wellbeing in yourself TODAY, despite your current body shape, weight, or size, this workbook is for you. It’s one of my favorite tools to assist my clients on their journey towards peace with food and their body.