Coming Home To Your Body This Holiday Season
The holiday season is upon us. This time of year comes with opportunities for connection and merrymaking. However, there is often a dark side: all the countless conversational landmines to navigate in the buffet lines, over the dinner table, or on the family Zoom call.
Does a safe conversation topic even exist?
It seems there’s so little we can all casually discuss and connect over in this world. And, while there is a time and place for civil discourse, a holiday gathering is often best left for intentions of goodwill.
That being said, why is it so hard to extend goodwill to our bodies and out appearance? Step into any gathering (especially one which has more than one female) and you are likely to here body-bashing comments.
Body-bashing sounds like:
My —— is so huge. (Her ___ is so huge.)
I’ve gained so much weight. (She’s gained so much weight.)
She’s really let herself go. (I’ve really let myself go.)
I can’t believe she’s wearing that! (I have another to wear.)
And, I have a hunch, if you could hear the inner commentary looping in each woman’s head, you would hear the same or worse.
We are led to believe that disappointment in our less-than-perfect bodies is and expected and the last acceptable, unifying topic of conversation.
Body-bashing and talk of body hatred is low hanging conversational fruit, easily grasped for consumption, over-ripened, so close to turning rotten.
It might feel natural and better for everyone to just go along with the widely-accepted bad body talk as a “safe” way of connecting with the friends, family, and fellow party-goers.
Our consumer culture (diet culture, wellness culture, the patriarchy - one in the same) wants us to believe that our worth is built on how we look, that friendship depends on a shared striving towards a hard-to-achieve beauty standard.
Friend, this might be the year to make a change.
We often hear: There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays. This holiday season, what I want most for you is to view your body as best and safest home you have. What would it take to resist the temptation to throw your body under the bus? Instead of making everyone else comfortable by going along with the status quo of body-bashing, how can you prioritize a caring relationship and create peace with this body of yours?
Here are a few ideas on how to prevent body bashing*:
Starting today, prioritize self-care.
Build a strong foundation. Make time to care for your body, mind, and spirit. A depleted self is not a safely embodied self. Here is where you might expect me to recommend a manicure or a massage. But, I want to be really practical. I’m going to recommend the boring self care: brush your teeth twice a day, take a shower in the morning and at night, rub lotion into your cracked cuticles, stay hydrated, pay the bills, limit screen time, get into a meditation practice (just 2 minutes), listen to your favorite music, light a scented candle, make and eat hearty meals, drink plenty of water, and maybe even end the day with a prayer.
Starting today, prioritize community care.
Construct a network of support. You can’t go at this work alone. To expect you to take on all of diet culture (or your most toxic relative) alone is ridiculous and careless. When attending a gathering, take along a friend. Do you have a friend who is also doing the work of body image healing? A “safe other” might be just the resource you need to stand firm against body bashing. You could even have an agreed-upon “safe word” when you find it necessary to discreetly (or not-so-discreetly) extract yourself from ensnarement. How about, “I wonder if the host has extra ice.” or “These pretzels are making me thirsty.” as a cue to quickly leave the scene.
Set Boundaries.
First, holiday parties are optional. If a gathering with a particular person or group of people is not going to be good for you, it’s okay not to go. Politely decline the invite. Make a plan to get together with the host/guests you feel safe with at a later time. If you don’t have the mental capacity or support network to get through this, you are excused.
Second, speak up. If you are the host of the party, include some ground rules in the invitation. This is a party to celebrate connection and love. In an effort to prioritize the safety and wellbeing of all, please leave your judgements at the door. More simply: If you can’t say something nice (about yourself and others), don’t say it at all.
Plan ahead.
Have an strong exit strategy. Arrange for your own transportation to and from social gatherings. Having control over when you leave may help to keep your feelings regulated and your wits about you.
Here are a few ideas on how to shut down body bashing*:
Change the subject.
Propose a toast. Tell a Joke. Share an interesting story. Recite a poem. Sing a song. Do a magic trick.
Engage.
Say something like:
I made a promise to myself not to talk badly about people, starting with myself.
Life is too short to talk about our bodies. Let’s talk about something more interesting like …
Talking badly about our bodies is so cliche. Let’s put our heads together to think outside of the box. What else could we talk about?
I decided to break up with hating my body. I don’t want to turn this conversation into a regretful bootie call with body hatred.
I’m actually feeling comfortable in my body now that I’ve done some really intentional work. Are you interested in hearing more?
Don’t Engage.
Make the “stop” hand gesture while shaking your head back and forth (nonverbally signalling no). Or, a firm “No” or “I’m going to excuse myself from this conversation.”
Try the Nonviolent communication approach.
Observe: When I hear...
Feelings: I feel...
Needs: Because I need/value...
Request: Would you be willing to…
Example script: When I hear you speak badly about your body (my body, her body), I feel defensive because I need to feel safe to have a good time. Would you be willing to keep your comments on your outer appearance (my outer appearance, her outer appearance) to yourself?
Shock and Awe.
Pepper your response with colorful expletives. Or, throw yourself on the ground, kicking and screaming, “For the love of turkey and giblets (or mistletoe and holly) will you just STOP?! “ {Maybe just do this one in your head as the cost may outweigh the benefit. Your call.}
Despite your best efforts, you may still have an experience with bad body talk that does not go as planned. You might get tongue-tied. Your mind might go blank. Sometimes a real train wreck happens. We can’t control everything. Our response. Their response. Our hurt feelings. Their hurt feelings.
Instead of ruminating on the conversation for the rest of the night (or the rest of your life), there is an alternative.
Times like this call for self-compassion and radical acceptance. Tomorrow is a new day. Now is a new minute.
Regardless of your faith or spiritual beliefs, the holidays give us an opportunity to focus on two things: giving and gratitude. Start with your body. What can you give to your body to keep her safe and comfortable in the days ahead? Can you find a way to be grateful for something your body does? When we focus on these, body hatred and the habit of connecting over body hatred seem less necessary and we see it for what it is: toxic and hurtful.
Making the effort to stay good and true to our body as our best resource finds us a foothold in positive body image and safe embodiment.
Your body, she’s your home. And, there’s no place like home for the holidays.
*These suggestions are not imperatives. I’m brainstorming here. If your reaction is “There is absolutely no way this will work.”, I believe you. If you are interested in stopping body-bashing in your life, reach out and I can help you make a plan that better suits your life and environment.