Attuned And Connected Eating - Safely Inviting The Body To The Eating Experience
For many of us, eating certain foods bring up feelings of shame, fear, and confusion.
Even when we choose our favorite food, think we have made the “right” choice, feel hungry before the meal, and take time to focus on eating, we might feel “uncomfortable”, a “loss of control or willpower”, or like a “______” (that favorite disparaging comment created by our inner critic) a couple of bites in.
Does the dinner table feel like a battle zone or enemy territory? Do you approach eating with hesitation or confusion?
If this sounds like you, it may be time for a new approach.
Let’s try eating together.
Why might eating with another person help you?
Facing a meal alone when eating and food-choice are scary or confusing experiences is felt by your body as “dangerous”. When we sense danger, our body gets ready to act - moves into protection mode.
Here’s an illustration that may help you understand what is going on:
Let’s pretend that you aren’t in a home in 2020, but in a cave 15,000 years ago. You just brought in some berries from a nearby bush to share with your cave-mates. You are sitting in the corner of the cave by a small fire, ready to eat. Suddenly, you hear the crack of a twig and your attention is pulled away from eating and you get ready to either run away, fight, or even faint. Your nervous system is on high alert.
Do you think this pre-historic you has any appetite for those fresh, juicy berries? No way! Your body is gearing up to respond to a threat.
The same thing is happening when you see meal time, eating, and food as a dangerous threat. Maybe, instead of a predator, you have been told your entire life that sugar is bad, or fat is bad, or only fresh, seasonal, unprocessed food is good. When you sit down to a meal that doesn’t line up with your rules, your body senses danger and gears up to react.
Gearing up and ready to act could feel like a knot in your stomach, the absence of saliva, quickening heart rate, sweaty palms, feeling electricity course through your body ~or~ it could feel like leaving your body completely, numbness, and extreme tiredness.
Let’s go back to the cave. Fortunately, for you, there is another human with you. That friend says to you, “That wasn’t a stick snapping, that was the fire cracking! I just came in from out there and I can assure you that we are safe. Come and sit with me. Let’s enjoy these berries together. I’ve had a few and they are bursting with flavor.” You see your friend lounging, casually next to the warmth of the fire, with a softened gaze relaxed posture.
Or, since communication between humans didn’t sound like it does today, maybe your cave-mate made meaningful eye-contact with you, a beckoning motion to you, a slow purring sound to calm you, continued eating - unhindered, held up the food to show you to join in on the meal.
You notice your heart rate lower. Your sense of smell and hunger come back online. Your mouth starts to water in anticipation of the ripe fruit. You feels your shoulders relax and your good nature returns. You walk to your friend and join in on the meal.
This “safe and reliable other” just did something for you. They “showed” you through their words AND body language that all was well. No threat.
That’s what practicing eating with a “safe and reliable other” can do for you.
The thing is, we can know something. Our mind can come around to accepting the fact and believing the truth that we really have full permission to eat our meal and enjoy the experience. Your brain can understand that your body gives you cues for when to start eating and when to stop.
But, it often takes practicing this new “knowing” before you can really get a secure handle on what it feels like in your body to do so. Having a “safe other” to watch, mimic, and practice with might just be the next right step for you to really move away from dieting and into attuned and connected eating.
It’s all well and good to acknowledge our mind and thank the thinking part of us. But we must start inviting the feeling and sensing part of us along on this journey for full recovery and re-connection to food and body to take place.
We might hear “Trust your instinct!” when it comes to untangling from diet rules and moving towards “intuitive eating”.
But, what if your intuition (sometimes called your instinct or your gut) is telling you:
Don’t eat.
Fullness means failure.
Sugar is poison.
Processed food is lethal.
You can eat, but you can only stop eating when you are extremely, sickeningly full.
You can eat, but you can’t let your food stay in you long enough to digest.
To be clear: your intuition is trying to keep you safe. It’s perceiving a threat and doing its best to protect you.
If this is you, you may benefit from a “safe other” to show you a way to safety and calm around food and eating that does not involve potentially harmful results.
Reach out. I’m here to help. I want to hear your story. I want to help you understand your inner terrain - the sensations or lack of sensations - that may be holding your back from having a peaceful relationship with food and your body.