The Two Paths Of Comparison (Formerly Called: A Path To A Better Mother's Day)
Sunday is the day we celebrate Mother’s Day in the US. If you are reading this and you are not a mom, I invite you to stick around because this is a message for all humans.
Being a mother has it’s high points and low points; just like everything else in life. However, nothing brings me to a low point like finding myself in competition with other moms. The comparison trap is a sure way to turn any “good enough” child, spouse, house, car, eating habits, exercise habits, body, job (I could go on) into “not good enough”. And that shift can ruin an entire day, week, year, or lifetime.
Here’s the thing. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, comparison is a universal experience. We make sense of the world by making comparisons. It’s not categorically wrong to compare. In fact, it’s not even a conscious choice. Through the act of comparison, we learn to know ourselves better and how we fit and find belonging in our environment.
Why, then, does comparison so often lead us away from a deep and connected “knowing” to disconnection, fear, and blame?
Not all comparison experiences are created equally. Comparison can take us down one of two paths.
I invited my friend and colleague, Andrea Hipps, into a conversation about comparison.
The first path leads us away from safety and connection, taking us to a place of competition. Here, “winning and losing” is the name of the game. The narrative is, “If I’m not better than her, I’m not measuring up.” You know you are on the slippery slope of “comparison to competition” if you feel angry, embarrassed, helpless, hopeless, and ashamed.
Remember the idea of “story following state”? Here is an example of a scenario with food and how the story about that food sounds differently in each state:
Scenario: You get caught up in an unexpected errand and find yourself ravenously hungry with only Taco Bell to choose from as a viable lunch option.
Ventral Vagal state story: “Not my favorite but One Chalupa Extreme, please.” And, on you go with your day without much thought.
Sympathetic state story: “All fast food is bad for me. I’d rather go hungry than to lower my standards. I don’t think I can live with myself if I eat fast food. Why didn’t I plan better?! I’m so {the worst things you say about yourself}. Big business is out to get me. Fast food restaurants should be outlawed.” Gets food and compensates in some way later on; or skips the meal, choosing restriction as a course of penance or in the service of maintaining a perfect diet.
Dorsal Vagal state story: “Well, of course this is happening. Nothing ever goes my way.” Gets food and is numb to the eating experience.
This is a big part of the work I do: help people recognize their state and work to move into the ventral vagal state prior to eating. When we are operating from the ventral vagal state, our outlook is more optimistic and compassionate, our digestion is regulated, our sense of hunger and fullness is recognizable and trustworthy.
Here’s what this path looks like in real life in relation to:
Eating: checking other people's plates at mealtime, ordering less or “healthier” food than everyone else at the restaurant, declining deserts and party food in an effort to appear “in control”, you critique and judge others’ food choices
Body: body checking (looking and re-looking in the mirror, weighing yourself, pinching parts of your body), scanning the room, looking for bodies that are bigger and smaller than yours, measuring yourself against the body in the room that most closely meets culture’s beauty standards, asking other people about their weight, joining a weight loss competition at work, exercise for the purpose of “winning”.
DIvorce recovery (from Andrea): believing you need to look a certain way to attract a new partner, envying the two-parent family for their perceived ease of lifestyle, critiquing self for not parenting like a superhero round-the-clock, imagining other divorced moms to have their homes, minds, and children more settled, organized, and healthy
Professionally: fearing that other women’s success means I should be doing more too, basing success on other people’s failure, never feeling secure in the amount of work and effort you are putting into the job.
The second path moves us toward safety and belonging to a place of cooperation. Here, we are guided by curiosity and compassion. There is an overarching story of, “There is plenty to go around. We all have our own unique gifts.” You know if you are on the path of “comparison to cooperation” if you feel optimistic, open-hearted, engaged, and capable.
Here’s what this path looks like in real life in relation to:
Eating: your food choices are based on your personal preferences in the moment, you admire or feel neutral about someone else’s meal, you eat flexibly alone and at social gatherings.
Body: looking for (and finding) beauty in all bodies (including your own), exercise for a sense of joy and connection, connecting with internal feelings and sensations to help you check-in on yourself.
Divorce recovery (from Andrea): telling the unique story that is your two-address family in ways that invite health for all members, opening to the struggle as the greatest teacher, connecting with others in divorce recovery on topics that expand you
Professionally: having the mindset that everyone has their own set of gifts, that there is enough work to go around, that everyone’s success looks different.
Here’s the kicker: It’s common to find yourself on both of these paths throughout the day! You're absolutely normal if you swing between competition and cooperation.
Sometimes comparison pulls you towards competition and sometimes you tilt towards cooperation. These paths are not straight and they do not run parallel to each other. They intersect with twists and turns. And, until we know better, there isn’t a lot of conscious thought that goes into our behaviors and actions.
There’s good news here. As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, “story follows state”. You can learn to notice your automatic responses to help you make sense of and appreciate why you do the things you do around comparison. The trick is noticing without judgement. Being mindful helps you to pull up to a junction in the paths. Waking up to the story you are telling yourself about comparison gives you a choice in your final destination. Do you go down the road of competition, littered with toxic waste, ending in disconnection? Or, do you choose the road of cooperation, along a landscape that may be unfamiliar, but with a promise of beauty beyond your imagination in connection and safety?
You are never stuck on the competition road because there are off-ramps to cooperation and connection all along the way if you know where to look. It takes slowing down, noticing, and practicing.
Here are some ideas for first steps forward.
Exercises in waking up to the comparison path:
Part 1: Gratitude
Think of a time when comparison led you down the path to competition (away from a peaceful relationship with food, away from a kind relationship with your body)
First, phone a friend. In the beginning, it’s hard to shift gears on your own. Share your frustrations with a “safe-other”. Someone who has your best interests at heart. Not a person that is going to Thelma-and-Louise you off the cliff of competition.
If you have it in you to do some self-regulation, practice gratitude. Leaving the material items behind (the what you have) and turning to who you have and how things happened.
Gratitude practice for who you have: Take a brief moment to remember people, pets, or a God who loves you unconditionally.
Gratitude practice for how things happened: Think of an event or circumstance for which you feel grateful and write about it. Describe how it made you feel at the time and how you feel as you think about it. Explain how the circumstance came to be – what circumstances came together to create this moment. Try to notice positive events and internal strengths that made it possible.
Part 2: Turn Towards Growth and Abundance
Think of a time when comparison led you down the path to cooperation (to a relationship with your body as a safe home and food as a source of pleasure and nourishment)
How do you deepen that experience? With your creative, beginner’s mind re-play the events of how you got to a deeper connection. Acted generously, giving someone (and/or yourself) the benefit of the doubt. Write about the experience or create a piece of visual art. Find a song that represents that time and replay it while you relish in a well-earned sense of accomplishment.
Part 3: Find Community (from Andrea)
Find a community in which you feel safe and held. Ask each other meaningful questions:
Where are you winning right now?
What new idea is propping up this week for you?
What are you letting go of in order to adapt to what this life looks like now?
What are you learning right now that might help me strengthen my own ability to cope?
These questions take our competition around who is doing it better and turn it into tactical how-to’s for how to lift everyone up.
We are women making our way in this world that asks us to find safety in winning, material possessions, following specific diet rules, and having a body that looks a certain way.
Comparison is an inherently human experience. You have a say in where comparison leads you. Your preference matters. There is freedom and connection for you.
Looking for support in moving from competition to cooperation? Reach out, I’d love to be a witness to your work and brainstorm solutions with you!