Toolbox
I talk to women like you every week - clients, friends, my sisters.
We’re all out of our routine, faced with the monotony of sticking close to home. There’s a common thread in our conversations around eating and meal time, especially of late, with all the ”togetherness” we’ve shared over the past several months.
I feel like a failure if my kids aren’t eating a well balanced meal.
It’s my responsibility to get a healthy dinner on the table and I just don’t have the energy or interest to keep doing it.
It's all on my shoulders...my kids' eating, my partner’s health.
My favorite: If I make a meal I like and no one else eats it, I’ve wasted my time because everyone else still needs to eat so I end up making a second meal for the rest of the family. I say this after almost every meal these days. Case in point: Last night, I made pork roast, potatoes, and corn on the cob (in my mind, basic and palatable enough). My youngest son refused to eat because he had nabbed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while dinner was being prepared. My two middle sons ate just the corn on the cob.
Maddening!
I'm thinking about all we hold as women and mothers. Sometimes it would be nice if someone else would take over all the responsibilities.
On being a woman and mom: How much of these responsibilities do we really NEED to carry?
My hunch after 15 years of mothering and partnering is: not as much as we think.
Books have been written, podcasts have been recorded, and corner booths in wine bars and coffee shops have held sacred conversations hashing out this very topic.
How do we start to gather tools to find our way to setting boundaries, letting go of what could’ve been, radically accepting what actually is?
Let’s start to build a toolbox of resources/skills to help let go of self-imposed (or culturally imposed) roles and responsibilities given to women and moms.
My specialty is food and nutrition, but this skill building around breaking free from rules and roles can apply to a parts of our lives.
One thing I’ve been trying to work on is a mindfulness practice that helps me to separate my true self from the worrying/judgemental thoughts. These thoughts come to us as a way to protect us and keep us safe, but they end up doing more harm than good.
If you are struggling with critical thoughts about your worthiness as a woman or mother, try this: When a thought comes up, notice it and say to yourself. "I'm noticing that I'm having this thought." Then say, "I'm noticing that I'm noticing I'm having this thought." With all this noticing, you are putting a space between your true self and that thought. In that space we can start to shift our perspective and make different choices on how to act (an react).
Practice, practice, practice this. I will too.
Other options to shift the responsibilities and set some boundaries around meal planning/prep/cleanup could be to:
Ask the kids/partner to give contribute ideas for 3 breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.
Make a meal you want and let everyone else find their own food.
Organize a plan for kids and partner to take turns prepping/cleaning up the kitchen.
Everyone should have a toolbox. What’s in yours?
Do you want help with this? I’d love to be a person who’s on your side. Reach out and we can set up a time to chat about feeding yourself and your family. My approach is careful and deliberate, upholding my core value of structuring safety along the way. We can meet with curiosity around your relationship to food and your body. Together, we begin to cultivate habits to help you move away from the diet mindset and towards supportive eating practices.
And, if it turns out that the thing that is going on with you is bigger than finding motivation and inspiration around food and caring for your body, I’ll help you find someone who can help.