How Can I Heal From An Eating Disorder?
A common set of questions I hear in my line of work is: "How am I supposed to live in this world without dieting or my eating disorder behavior? What will take the place of the pursuit of thinness and/or “health” that will allow me to survive this place?"
I love the heart of these questions because they are raw and real, and a wonderful invitation. These questions point toward a deeper question. The question behind the questions, if you will.
How do I find a world where:
thinness ≠ belonging
able-bodiedness (“good health”) ≠ safety
ideal beauty ≠ dignity/respect
Independence ≠ freedom
Because that’s what we all want, isn’t it?
To live an existence in a state of belonging, safety, the recipient of dignity, and a sense of agency (choice).
So, the problem isn’t you.
Let me say it again.
THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOU.
The problem is the world in which we live. The world that we have access to based on what we see in the media and experience in our own lives.
This is the key missing element in the work of recovery and healing the relationship with food and body. I (as the practitioner) must be willing to live into and invite others into a new way of being in the world. A new visioning of the world that exists in parallel with the world as we know it.
The world as we know it (let’s call it world 1): a world with rules of engagement determined by those in positions of authority that profit from our misery and suffering. A world designed so that some of us are programmed to dominate and exploit and others are conditioned to doubt and feel inferior.
And, a different world (let’s call it world 2); something beyond, something more.
A world I know and have lived in as a girl raised on a farm, seeing nature ensouled. An existence that requires wilderness because to tame it (master it, fully understand it) would mean to not be in it anymore. Personally, a world I know about from the teaching of the embodied God in Jesus from my favorite sacred text that is the Bible.
This other world is a route to wholeness.
And it’s happening right now. You don’t have to starve yourself to gain access. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, it’s the most marginalized and imperfect of us who have the easiest time entering into it.
So.
I can't tell someone that it is possible to survive and thrive in world 1 without their eating behaviors (however disordered). That would mean asking them to be complicit with the false gospel of capitalism, white supremacy, and the like.
In world 1, eating disorders and addiction make sense. There is wisdom (and necessity) in eating disorder behavior in our westernized, perfection-pursuing, suffering-averse, industrialized world. But there is no healing and wholeness.
To truly heal, we must turn towards a new way of being and a new set of values. The economy of world 2 says that while we are still in despair, still grieving, still making mistakes, faced with the nothingness of pain, loss, and sickness — we are closest to transformation, true freedom, and re-birth. A world where wonderful work is being done amidst the suffering and alongside the shame.
A world where eating disorder behaviors drop their harsh edges and fear-laced labels. A place where bingeing is called feasting with the intention of celebrating harvest; starvation is called doing without with the intention of surviving the winter when things are meant to lie fallow; and purging is a cleansing that happens in the spring from the rush of the swollen streams and rivers after the winter thaw or from a forest fire started by a lightning strike to make room for new growth.
A place where bodies are diverse because nature is diverse and has a sacred design.
A place where bodies change because natural things have seasons and life cycles.
If you want to talk more or would like help seeing and stepping into another way to be in the world, reach out.
To hear me talk about world 1 and 2 in the context of my Christian faith, click on the video below and scroll to minute 50:45.