5 Tactics To Halt Comparison And Competition
My friend and I were taking a walk, talking about all the things. Reviewing all the ways we are similar. Laying the groundwork for connection. Super sweet and typical.
Can you relate?
Confession: more often than not, there is a shift, and not in a good way. All of this casual “catching up” can so easily take me down the well-worn path of comparison, envy, and competition.
Comparison, envy, and competition, oh my!
There I am, walking, nodding, and smiling (or scrolling, scanning, and pressing “like”) when a small (or very loud) voice starts to say: “If only I had her body, marriage, spouse, freedom, sandals, car, house, intelligence, kids, independence, hair, friend group, cool older brother, athleticism, singing voice, income.”
The list could fill an entire book.
“If only I had…” These seemingly innocent musings pick up speed and create a funnel cloud of destructive thoughts, leaving behind a path of overturned “absolutely acceptable footwear” and uprooted “completely fine children”. (I’m from Ohio, so tornados are an easy metaphor. Join me in the safety of this roadside ditch if you are feeling uneasy).
Comparison is the thief of joy*. Measuring our happiness or worth according to someone else’s life and possessions not only robs us of joy, but blinds us of our worth and wellbeing.
And even worse?
Comparison is the gateway drug to perfectionism. And the pursuit of perfectionism is an isolating endeavor, filled with fear, shame, and disappointment.
I don't want that for you. I don’t want that for anyone.
Listen, it’s human nature to have an impulse to compare and compete. But, how can we shift our energies and intentions to more cooperative and connecting pursuits?
In my line of work as a nutrition therapist working with people who are trying to understand (and maybe change) their relationship with food and body, comparison, envy, competition, and perfectionism aren’t just the thieves of joy, they are the roadblocks of the possibility of true healing. Every gain or hard won success can be erased with the comparison-mindset.
No matter who you are or what you are going through, I want to give you hope and another way forward.
Here are 5 tactics for halting the impulse to compare and compete:
Turn off social media. Take a break from that nonsense. The things people post on social media are often the stuff of a curated, false life. Why would we compare our insides (thoughts, values, feelings) with someone else’s semi-truthful outside?
Practice turning an admiring eye towards the thing that is creating envy. You don’t need to grab at it, hustle for it, win at it, beat it. View the thing as an interesting piece of artwork and move on.
Examine your impulse to compare and compete. Ask yourself, “Why am I focusing so much attention outside of myself? What could this impulse to compare be distracting me from? How can I find safety and connection without jumping through the hoops of competition?”
Tell a bigger story. Sure, her kid may be playing Chopin at age 5, but she still has to find his missing shoe every morning “just like me.” A new car (new boyfriend, beach vacation, 4.0 GPA, wonderful mother-in-law) does not erase difficult things and suffering. We are all in this together.
Practice gratitude. Hold on, hold on. Before you come at me with “ugh, everyone is saying that!”, I have ideas that go beyond positive thoughts. Let’s leave the material items behind (the what you have) and turn to who you have and how things happened**.
Gratitude practice for who you have: Take a brief moment to remember people, pets, or a God who loves you unconditionally. You could take it a step further by reaching out and thanking them (with a letter, text, phone call, scratch behind the ear, or prayer of thanksgiving).
Gratitude practice for how things happened: Think of an event or circumstance for which you feel grateful and write about it. Describe how it made you feel at the time and how you feel as you think about it. Explain how the circumstance came to be – what circumstances came together to create this moment. Try to notice positive events and internal strengths that made it possible.
I want you to live a life free from the destruction and mire of comparison and pursuit of perfection.
Disclaimer: you may lose some “friends” in the walking away from the comparison game. Your teenage daughter will definitely be annoyed because she’s still all ego and full of typical youthful narcissism. You won’t “make sense” to some people. You won’t fit in because you aren’t after the same things anymore. The “one-up womanship” loses its grip. The social dance of “getting people to like you”...you’ll be free of that.
Fear not. You may lose these “friends” at first (and possibly for good). But, you’ll be on a path to finding your true self, a sacred self, and (dare I say?) closer to a Love and Wisdom that’s already at work in this world. And there are other humans out here doing this work too. You will not be alone. I’m here. There are others here, too. And those so called “friends”, well if they really look closely, they’ll see you for who you have become: someone who is open-hearted, grounded, appreciative, and responsive. Pretty great qualities for friend-material if you ask me.
*Google says that Theodore Roosevelt gave us this quote.
**Refer to the book Burnout: The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski for the full exercise (Chapter 8: Grow Mighty, part 3). I also love this quote: “Being grateful for good things doesn’t erase the difficult things.” “Gratitude is not about ignoring problems. If anything, gratitude works by providing tools for the struggle, for further progress.”